Just send a card. I know you worry about what to say, and is it too late now to send a card, and how about just after the funeral, and supposing you start to write, ‘Dear X…’ and then you’ve got nothing, and do you even have an address anywhere that isn’t in an address book that is more than 15 years old? Just send a card.
It was really important to me when I expanded my range of greetings cards to include a sympathy card. It might seem a bit morbid but I am a passionate believer in sending people cards, but I am a particular believer in sending cards when someone has died. Fundamentally, nothing makes anything any better when someone dies, but sending a card at least shows you care, and it’s a way of reaching out that requires no response or any kind of emotional energy from the recipient.
So for what it’s worth, here is my guide to doing it. Firstly, although it might give you the heeby jeebies, keep a sympathy card in the house. There is something particularly panic-inducing about looking at a tiny range of faded cards in your local corner shop, one of which you absolutely must buy, and all of which seem to have been printed in the mid 80s and have embossed roses and / or terrible quotations on them. (If this is literally all you can find, I’d still say sending something is better than nothing! But ideally, keep a card at home somewhere.)
Then, if you get the sad news that someone you love has been bereaved, just take the card out and write in it. Do it quickly, and pop it straight in the post. Straight away. Don’t wait until you can think of the perfect thing to say: there’s no perfect thing to say. Don’t put it off, otherwise you will never do it and will feel bad.
That said, there are a few things to avoid saying, unless you are extremely certain that the person receiving the card wants to hear them. Don’t say ‘everything happens for a reason’. Don’t say ‘they’re in a better place’ or talk about religion or heaven unless you know this is something that the recipient believes and will be comforted by. Don’t say what a wonderfully angelic person the deceased is if you know that the card recipient had a difficult relationship with them.
Just say that you’re so sorry. Say you’ll be in touch and say when, and say it’s ok if they’re not ready to be in contact. Let them know that you are thinking of them, and their family if appropriate.
If you also cared about or knew the person who died, you can let them know how sad you are too (but if the person you’re sending the card too was closer to the deceased, then remember the ‘circles of grief’ analogy where you give support inwards, and seek support outwards). If you didn’t know the deceased very well, but have a happy memory of them and it feels right, you can briefly share that. Just write, ‘I have no idea what to say but I had to send you a note’. Just say, ‘I love you’.
Just send the card.